The Story of My Wife by Tolu’ Akinyemi

BN-Prose-Tolu-Akinyemi-Feb-2014My wife becomes a mute when mad at me. She would completely ignore me, pretending not to hear anything I say and, getting her to say even a word becomes as futile as cooking a stone in a sieve. Her last ‘silence war’ lasted three full days. I noticed she had ‘outgrown’ her favourite dress, and I stupidly mentioned my observation. This time, it has lasted a week already, a whole week of weakening frustration, yet without an idea of what my offence is or how to appease her.

I have tried everything, so far, nothing has worked; not even the flowers I sent to her office or my sudden delight in making breakfast and dinner, every night. Everything was as futile as cooking a stone in a sieve with a candle. The seven o’clock news came on, when I decided to give it another try; perhaps, ‘the god of the news would look down on me with mercy. I joined my wife on the sofa and softly whispered her name, but she was too engrossed in the book she was pretending to read. I cooed again, in a romantic voice tinged with desperation. “Oluwakemi…

I had deliberately made her name linger on my lips. There was no answer. “Guess who was at our office today?” I said. I paused to see if I caught her attention. I caught nothing so I continued. “It was your friend, Ngozi. She wanted me to give you the 150,000 Naira she owes you for our wedding’s aso-ebi. Can you imagine dear? Two months after the wedding already, your friend is funny sha”. ’Kemi shifted a bit uneasily on the sofa but without looking in my direction or saying a word still. My eyes brightened at the little reaction. It was the best I had gotten all week and it encouraged me to press further. I might be able to get her into a conversation soon enough. “Honey, I bought a new laptop today, a great machine and for a very good price, of almost 150,000 Naira. You know, it’s a needed replacement for that old horse I’ve been using since we were at the university”.

My wife shifted again. I could sense she really wanted to say something but was holding it back. I kept talking. “I used the… er… money from Ngozi though, but I’ll surely refund at the end of …er…” A quick lightning flashed across the room interrupting me, but it took me half of a second to realise the flash was my wife springing up from the sofa, with a menacing heave of her chest. “What?” ’Kemi bellowed, shocking me a bit with her transformation into a roaring lioness. “You did what, Femi? Spent my money, that I already had plans for?” She began to churn out several strings of words that could communicate her displeasure to a deaf man six streets away, before finally bursting into an incoherent tirade. I sat still and watched my wife, but the effect of my calm demeanour on her, was akin to splashing water into a pan of boiling hot oil. It only infuriated her more. I kept on watched her energetic out pour, till I couldn’t hold my laughter anymore, letting it out so violently, the walls of my stomach appeared to collapse.

Then slowly, it all dawned on ‘Kemi. Her face brightened as she began to laugh as well. I was already pulling the wads Ngozi gave me, to give my wife when she said, “you know liars will burn in hell right?” “So will people who get angry easily about money” I retorted, smiling and sticking my tongue out at her. She responded with what looked like a frown, a smile and a pout all mashed up, as she reached for the nearest pillow to strike me with. I quickly rose up, knocked the pillow off her hands and with a quick jerky movement, pulled her closely into me. The news was still on, but the newscaster’s voice sounded drowned and very far away. We simply stood there closely, in the centre of the living room, in silence, staring into each other’s eyes. ‘Kemi’s breathing got heavier as her eyes slowly began to shut. She looked really beautiful.

 

(Tolu’ Akinyemi, an Architect and writer was born in Akure, Nigeria. He writes flash fiction and poetry that he hopes people who hate poetry would want to love. His well-received debut “Your Father Walk Like a Crab” is available on Amazon in paperback and kindle formats. He blogs at www.poetoria.com)

CAN LOVE EXIST FROM A DISTANCE? (1)

ImageToday we consider another vital ingredient of the perfect love environment; COMPANIONSHIP.
We saw the wisdom of the creator on long distance relationships,When he uttered the words ” it is not good for man to be alone”. In reality loving from a distance has become the dominant mark of this generation,with social networking affairs starting per second every day.

The controversy is this : Should one be in love and put up with being alone? I once had an uncle who traveled abroad leaving his wife and family back in our country for over 20years,never checking up on them at all. All he did was to send money back for their upkeep. Does he have the legitimate authority to call himself the husband of that woman? Can he authoritatively call himself the father of those children? Could we call what he has for them love?

Before I begin to navigate the complex waters of long distance relationships, I must first of all confess that proximity does not necessarily guarantee intimacy. You can be far from someone that is close,and close to someone that is afar,because real distance is of the heart. Some people can draw near to you with their lips and their heart be far from you. In reality you intimacy might be more intense with someone you met with online than a person you are living with.

The second issue is that excessive proximity can trigger overfamiliarity,and familiarity can breed contempt. I often define emotional maturity as the ability to maintain proximity without familiarity. It is the genuine ability to see the awesomeness of someone you are close to. Unfortunately most people don’t have this level of emotional intelligence to be able to maintain intimacy as well as awe for a thing at the same time.Perhaps that is why some opt for the long distance love option.

The third point is that distance can be a valid test of authentic love. Distance can reveal the quality of love, any love that disintegrates with moderate distance is fake. Some travel out to a foreign nation and immediately stop calling or communicating with their lover back home. Such a lover should note that the love shared with the traveling party has expired. As such they should move on with their lives. Never forget my following statement TRUE LOVE ALWAYS FINDS A WAY TO KEEP IN TOUCH.

Having mentioned all of the above we must however highlight that distance can be devastating to love. It is one thing for your partner to travel for a few months, it is another thing for them to have been away for several years. In reality many long distance partners are only holding on to the illusion of who their partner was and not the reality of who their partner is. True love cannot be based on antiquated illusions.

The first challenge of long distance relationships is that it often leads to the development of alternative relationships. The truth is that the partner at a distance has some practical emotional needs. With the absence of their lover,most of them turn to the available friendships to meet some of those needs. Unfortunately the outcome of letting another meet our emotional needs is emotional attachment. Sincerely for a husband to comfortably stay without his wife for a decade or two, I can safely assume that he has developed alternative relationships for the meeting of his sexual needs. In fact some of them have already gotten married and developed alternative families. If most of their needs were not being met in some way,the hunger for satisfaction would have driven them back to their partners. The lovers left behind must wake up and smell the coffee,and decide to live out their lives to the fullest.

Long distance relationships is one of the driving forces for affairs, because it is far easier to love the visible than to love the invisible. A first century theologian made this point when, he said if you cant love a brother you can see,how can you love a God you can’t see. What he meant is that it is far easier to love the tangible than to love the intangible. Unfortunately long distance relationships makes our lover both invisible and intangible. You sure can guess the outcomes.

The second challenge of long distance relationships is that it doesn’t foster accountability. Accountability is one of the pillars of a successful relationship. However there is something about our human nature that finds it easier to be accountable to someone present than someone absent. In fact many people prefer the long distance love model because it gives them the opportunity to live life anyhow, to live life on their own terms. Without any checks and balances that comes from someone who genuinely loves them,such partners self destruct eventually because power is nothing without controls.

The third challenge of long distance relationships is the frustration that comes out of certain basic emotional needs going unmet because of the lack of proximity to their lovers. I know of several wives who have remained loyal to an absent husband for years, while their most basic sexual needs have gone unmet. Some of these people turn to workaholism,extreme commitment to non governmental organizations to numb the deep void and lack of fulfillment that they battle with on a daily bases. Others have had to endure the societal ridicule and rejection that is the badge of being a lover left behind confers on such people. I don’t believe anyone deserves such gnawing pain.

The fourth challenge is that long distance relationships nurture the selfishness in our human nature. When a person has gotten used to living life without their significant other,they tend to become emotionally ingrown,they also develop a negative self sufficiency that makes their partners almost irrelevant in the equation of their lives. This why reunion with a long term,long distance partner is often exciting at first but turbulent eventually. The reason for this turbulence is because both partners would have selfishly grown apart from each other. In most cases their intimacy will be that of two strangers trapped in a cage.

I will conclude this issue of long distance relationships in my next writing. I will also give you guidelines for survival if you ever find yourself in this situation. For now you must be content with the fact that long distance relationships are challenging because it often violates the fundamental law of companionship upon which lasting relationships are built. See you tomorrow.

THE GREATEST IS LOVE!!!
Deji Olabode
Love Dynamics Global.
Enthronement Assembly Lagos.
lovedynamix@gmail.com
@lovedynamix on twitter
BBpin;291C00DD

Ojuju Calabar

ojuju calabar Dear Readalot,

As a kid, I didn’t lie much. I can’t say how many times I must have heard – “All liars go to hell.” From Sunday school teachers. From my parents. From society. And what kid isn’t scared of hell? I was. Other times, they would scare us with – “Ojuju Calabar will catch you.” I will never forgive whoever came up with ‘Ojuju Calabar’. Robbed me of my childhood.

Being that I broke a lot of plates and bit a lotta people (who deserved it); I’m sure there were things I would have liked to lie about;

“No mummy, I didn’t bite him. I don’t know how his hand entered my mouth.”
“No daddy, I didn’t break the plate. It saw me and fell down in fear.”
“No aunty, I didn’t eat the cake. What is cake?”

Problem is, after a while, our parents stop telling us about the danger of hell. They stop telling us about the wickedness of Ojuju. So we forget. We start lying.

Overtime, I’ve come across all kinds of liars. Some people lie to get themselves out of trouble.

BABE: Good morning sir.
BOSS: Have you finished work on that document?
BABE: I finished it last night sir, but I was mugged on my way to work.
BOSS: U say?
BABE: A thief stole my bag on my way to work. The document was in my bag sir. I’m so sorry.
BOSS: What about that bag on your table?
BABE: Uhm…sir that’s my bible bag. They didn’t steal that one.

Some poeple lie to protect the ones they care about.

MAN: So did my wife really sleep with your boss?
MAN’s FRIEND: Err…no.
MAN: Really?
MAN’s FRIEND: Yea, really.

Some people lie to get something they want.

BOY: Baby girl, I dey feel you die.
GIRL: Mschew. You’re not my type.
BOY: But Adenuga is my mum’s ex-boyfriend.
GIRL: Ehen?
BOY: I swear down.
GIRL: Okay, you’re my type.

Some people lie because they’re insecure.

GIRL1: Sheeet! If you see that Michael Kors bag I just bought. The tin is fire!
GIRL 2: Oh? Me too I just bought one correct designer bag.
GIRL 1: For real? Which one?
GIRL 2: Gucci and Gabana.
GIRL 1: U say?
GIRL 2: It’s a new brand. You don’t know it.

Some people lie because…actually for no reason at all. Or because they can’t help it.

GIRL: Wow, I love the blue skies.
BOY: The sky is purple.
GIRL: Huh?
BOY: Purple skies.

My brother, Calmalot, has actually told some of the funniest lies I’ve ever heard.

MUM: Why did you take the meat?
CALMALOT: Me? Meat? I didn’t take it.
MUM: But that’s the meat in your hand.
CALMALOT: I don’t know anything about it.
MUM: But it’s right there in your hand.
CALMALOT: I haven’t eaten all day. I don’t know about it.

OR

MUM: I can’t find the book I put here.
CALMALOT: Book? I don’t know about it.
MUM: But you were home alone the entire day?
CALMALOT: Yes. I don’t know about it.
MUM: Did anyone else come to the house?
CALMALOT: Not at all. I was alone all day.
MUM: So who took it?
CALMALOT: I don’t know.
MUM: Was it a spirit?
CALMALOT: I don’t know about it.

Usually, my mum walks away and finds a corner to pray for him.

Cell phones have been the biggest groomers of liars in this Naija. In a bus somewhere in Ikorodu, some guy is on the phone like;
“Guy I don reach Lekki. Five minutes now, I go reach your side. In fact, come outside.”

People aren’t even trying to hide it anymore. It’s the norm now. It’s so bad that people won’t believe you even if you’re saying the truth. A lot of people make the argument that some lies aren’t bad.
They say it’s just a means to an end. It’s a little white lie. I wonder who first painted a lie.

It’s funny that when something bad almost happens, we scream “The devil is a liar.” I can imagine the devil asking, “You nko?”

Do you think some lies are excusable? If you do, when? Why?

Lying is stressful. You usually have to tell several lies to cover the first lie. And then you forget all those lies and have to make up new lies. It’s like a full-time job. How about just saying the truth. Getting punched. Getting it outta the way? How about it?

Yours truly, Rantalot.

//

WEY UR CV?

brodas hugMe: Ol boy! how far na…wetin dey?

My Friend: Guy, i bin dey oo. But boys no smile oooo. we sha dey dere dey hustle.

Me: Ol boy! no be only you oooo. Me sef, na jama jama i dey so. Ow far with job na?

My Friend: Shoooo! Job for wia? I still dey hunt o my broda.

Me: My friend, God go provide jare. Abeg wey ur cv make i take am correct my own. You know na, I fit see wetin i go fit use insyd am.

Guys, you don’t wanna know what my friend’s CV looked like. In fact, it made me conclude that my friend no fit get job with that kain CV. So, me being the good boy that I am **ehnnnn….why the face? Am I not a good boy?**, I have done some digging up on how to write a good CV and have decided to share it with my friend which is YOU! **BBSMILEY_TONGUEOUT**

Read on:

  • Tailor each CV you send out to the job you’re applying for, highlighting where you have the required skills and education mentioned in the job ad, and reiterating this in your covering letter.
  • As a rule of thumb, keep your CV under 2 pages.
  • Avoid distracting design elements, fancy colours and fonts.
  • Keep to a standard layout/format that employers expect so they can easily find the information they are looking for.
  • Give adequate ways for prospective employers to contact you.
  • If your personal email address would raise an eyebrow or two (bigbutts@aol.com for example), set up a new gmail address that uses your name instead.
  • Never write in the third person (e.g. “John has demonstrated great interpersonnel skills”).
  • Don’t include fluff (e.g. “John has demonstrated great interpersonnel skills”!!) – ‘soft skills’ should be supported by evidence and examples.
  • Include achievements for jobs you’ve had where possible, and make sure these are specific and verifiable.
  • Don’t include a photo unless it’s relevant to the nature of the job (e.g. a model).
  • Spell check your CV, read it out loud and get someone to read over your CV for you.
Well, Yorubas will say, and i quote, ” Soki l’obe oge” (trust me, you don’t wanna know the literary meaning of that); therefore, i leave you to ruminate on this and then correct your present CV accordingly. SHELL don dey find me since they saw my CV.**smiles:yimu**
Till after SHELL find me, I remain me
BIGFEM

RELAX….YOUR PROBLEMS ARE NOT THE GREATEST IN THE WORLD.

problemed chickenHey there! Yes you. YOU!!!.

I know you are facing some dire challenges. Things might not be working as planned.

Yes! yes!! yes!!!, I know. But, is that why you want to kill yourself with worry  and crying?

Check that picture again and  you’ll see that your problems are not the greatest in the world.

Just relax! God is in control.
Have a blessed day and a spluffic weekend.